Friday, April 15, 2016

Chapter Twelve – A New Adventure

Chapter Twelve – A New Adventure

       After kicking my sister out, I felt the need to leave my home. Just, you know, get up and leaf. So I did. I packed my eucalyptus and went on my way to somewhere new. At the time, I had no idea where I would go, but knew that this wasn't my home anymore. I couldn't stay there any longer. This long and rigorous journey would last for weeks, upon weeks, upon even more weeks. So many weeks that I felt weak after all of them. 

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Anyway, my journey was very long and since I have long term memory lost, I don't remember most of it. But what I do remember is seeing the most beautiful thing in the world. She was laying on a melalueca tree relaxing and trying to get some shade. I was in an aw. Her coat was stunning and her claws were sharp, just how I likem'. Her nose was perfectly aligned and her eyes were larger than normal, a perfect specimen. She was the dream koala. The perfect koala. All I was thinking about was how I, a far less superior koala, was going to approach her and talk to her. I had no idea. I was too nervous to react to anything. And then the impossible happened, she noticed me and waved at me. In response to that, I grinned, and then fainted... 

(To be continued.)

This is her.

Chapter Eleven –The Return of the Sister

Chapter Eleven –That Lying Skunk!

       Oh my koala lord, what has just happened to me was terrifying. They warned me. I tell you now they warned me. But I, I didn't want to believe it. I didn't listen to them! It was about my sister. When she returned she seemed normal. She herself completely but normal enough to not start any alarms. Until... well.. SHE STARTED TO EXAMINE THE BRAIN OF MY LITTLE BROTHER. She looked just like my sister! I don't know why she would do this. It's like I don't know her anymore, which made me very sad. When I caught her doing this, I yelled at her and kicked her out of the Tree. I left her in the jungle, the forest floor, like one of those damn leaves. And just like that, she's now a leaf. One with the leafs. After her removal from our home, she started to crawl into the distance. She continuously looked back to see if we were watching her leave, but we didn't. How do I know she kept looking back? Well, I did peak through a peep hole. So I assume she didn't see me. Oh well. We got rid of her, and that was the end of it, thank koala God. No more alien activity going on in this Treehold...

This is my sister next to the leaf.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Chapter Ten –The Return of the Sister

Chapter Ten –The Return of the Sister

       Oh my koala lords, what a day I've had. My sister has returned. The aliens have finally returned her! And to be completely honest, I wasn't surprised. Lets just say that she's "special"in the sense that only a loving koala brother can say. She isn't all right up there in the head, ya know? Anyway, she came back and we're all happy. Right after her return, she told great tales of what happened to her when she was with the aliens. She said that they did tests on her, they put her in this giant cage with some see-through wall that other aliens can see her from to "observe", and they were ugly. She was also put into her prison with other koalas too! The prison kind of looked like the wild forest a bit to seem "homie" I assume. She also mentioned that hundreds upon thousands of other aliens would come see her in her prison and would look intrigued. There were even smaller aliens too that would point, laugh, and tap the see-through wall object (which made a very obnoxious sound). Oh, how horrible her experience was! They only fed her once a day with very minimal food, and all she was able to do throughout the day was sleep! How outrageous! And apperently, she was released from her prison because she would fight the other koalas. It wasn't even her fault! They were poking at her first! I am surprised how she was able to live through that ordeal! My poor, poor, poor sister. She is now scarred for life and there's nothing I can do about it except to take her to koala therapy. What am I going to do now? I need help. Help me my friends...

This is me with my little sister.

Friday, March 18, 2016

Chapter Nine –How I Came to Be. (Part Dos)

Chapter Nine –Saving My Parents

       In continuation from my last blog, I will be telling you how I tried to save my parents. It was at the age of three where my parents were taken away from me. At the time, I didn't know where they were, who took them, or what will happen to them. All I knew during the time was that they went missing from their room in the Tree in the middle of the night. There were scratches all over the walls, the bed was a wreck, and the rooms were all a mess. It was a disastrous scene and heart-breaking to look at. When I first saw the room I fell to my knees in sadness, asking the Koala Gads "why me?", but I got over that fairly quickly. I put my big boy pants on and began my week long investigation.

       I first traveled to the deep dark depths of Eastern Australian rain forest. Wait, maybe it was actually the Northern. Southern? You know what, I just went into a forest on a whim. I really can't be bothered to remember right now. Anyway, I went there and couldn't find them. Oh well, I guess I have to travel to a different place now... So then, I went to the lakes of Australia. Why? Don't ask me. But this was no ordinary lake, this lake was PINK! Have you ever seen a PINK lake!? I hadn't until that moment! I was so confused and yet so fascinated at the sight of this great body of water! Anyway, the search must go on... I checked every corner of the round lake and came up with nothing. Since I couldn't swim, I just gazed over the waters and prayed they weren't in there. So, I gave up. I was a failure, as my parents had totally never told me. I decided to go back home to the Tree and  just live my days on as an orphan koala.

      After days of crawling back to the tree, I finally arrived back home. To my dismay, my parents were sitting right there. Apparently, things got pretty "wild" and they destroyed the house and then went out to celebrate. And unfortunately that's how I got my little brother. That's a story for another time. Goodbye!

This is my little brother and that's the lake.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Chapter Eight –How I Came to Be.

Chapter Eight –How I Came to Be.

       Today, I will be telling you the magnificent tale of how I came to be. My parents, great nobles of Southern Australia, traveled the destructive lands of the country to inhabit our now home land, Western Australia. 
       This journey took a great deal out of my padres. Mountains, cliffs, abysses, deserts, and numerous amounts of trees were just a few of the many obstacles they had to go through to reach our new home. They began their journey as a herd, but became smaller everyday of their adventure. Their initial amount was 50…then 40…then 25…then ending with 5. The weak were being eliminated first, then the scared, and then the brave; leaving only the truly strongest of will to survive.
        My parents were one of the few to survive the 3 year long journey. Upon arrival, my parents were able to inhabit our now home tree, the Tree. It may not have the most original name, but it was good enough for us. Anyway, in this tree my parents were able to start a family, that's where I come in. I was the first koala child, then my brother, and then my little sister. My brother and I still live together today, but my sister, my poor sister, was captured by aliens and shipped off to the near planet of Koalatune. We never saw her again. I miss her sometimes, but life still goes on. 

        It wasn't until I was the age of 3 where my parents were captured and I had to go save them…And  that is where I leave you now, until next time, goodbye.

This is our family portrait before my siblings were born.

Friday, March 4, 2016

Chapter Seven – Staying Serious

Chapter Seven –Saying Serious

       Tony had caught my arm right before falling off of the cliff. Now, you may ask yourself, "Mr.Koalaman, why did you place yourself into that situation?". Well, I don't have an answer for that. But what I can tell you that it wasn't worth it and I'm sorry Tony for causing this situation.

       I was able to pull myself up while holding onto Tony and successfully secure myself into safety. But when I pulled myself up, I selfishly pushed down Tony, making him fall off the cliff and ending his life I assume. And that was the end of it. My happiness was now gone right before my eyes. Slipped off of my paws and down the abyss of sadness. Never again did I see him.

       After that horrific and life changing event, I cried for days. I blamed myself for his death and mourned him for hours. I would never forgive myself after losing my bestest friend in the whole wide wild and nothing can change that. I miss him so much, no words can amount to the true feelings I had towards my pet. Oh Tony, I miss you. If you're somehow alive right at this moment and you're reading my blog, please know that I'm truly sorry and no pet rock can ever replace you. I'm sorry Tony the Rock, you were my one and only.

RIP Tony the Rock

This is the very last picture of Tony and I together.

RIP Our Friendship

Never mind, our friendship will never die!

Chapter Six –Time to Get Serious

Chapter Six –Time to Get Serious

       Today, it's time to get serious. This topic that I will be speaking about is certainly a sensitive one, so I would recommend for you all to sit down on your branch and just take it all in. Also, it's okay to cry, I'm here for you. Anyway, let's get into the meat of it. 
       This super duper serious topic is about my pet, Tony. Now Tony wasn't just any a loyal pet. He was the most loyal of all the pets that have ever existed in this land. Tony would go out and fetch me whatever I needed during the time I was sick, neglected, or just lonely. But Tony was more than just a pet, he was my best friend and I miss him so much…
        What happened to Tony can only be described as a tragedy. He was a hero, a hero that saved my life countless times in the past and would always come out on top. But not this time. Tony saved me, but he couldn't save himself. It was a day full of sadness and despair. On that Tuesday, and God I sure do hate Tuesdays, I slipped off of a cliff. Luckily, Tony had caught my arm right before I fell off. He was a blessing sent from the Koala Gods that may never ever be replaced by anything. Oh, how I miss him so…

        To be continued…
This is me crying for Tony.

Friday, February 19, 2016

Chapter Five – The Great Invention

Chapter Five –The Great Invention

       Today, I will be telling you the legendary story about our greatest invention to date, chocolate milk. It all started on, again, a Tuesday morning where I had been suddenly awoken from my deep twenty-two hour slumber. The night before this Tuesday was, once again, pretty rowdy. All of us koalas had a few rotten eucalyptus plants and got completely "wasted" as you hip kids would like to say it. Our "special eucalyptus" has this particular feeling, to which if consumed, you can no longer control the soft brains that we have. Anyway, I'm getting too off topic. On that day before Tuesday morning, I fell asleep on some unusual tree that I've never seen before. The leaves were thicker and wider than my standard eucalyptus tree. And it had this hanging fruit, or whatever it is, item off of the tree. Being my under-the-influence self, I thought this was my home tree. I was mistaken. What had appeared to awoken me was this miracle fruit thing that had fallen a few inches away from my pretty face, nearly hitting my little head. So, when I stood up and did my stretches, I climbed down the tree and discovered that the fruit had splattered all over the ground. The insides of this fruit contained some sort of a thick and brown gooey substance. Out of curiosity, I clawed this substance and licked it. To my surprise, it tasted disgusting. I started to run away from this devil tree and its deviled eggs too, never to turn back. I absolutely hated it. 

That's about it. Thank you for reading. 

This is me Tuesday morning. 

A great invention means to run away from something that tastes bad, right?

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Chapter Four - Major Key Alert!!!

Chapter Four – Major Key Alert!!!

       Today, I will be telling you about a koala that has revolutionized everything in this world. A koala that's created so many inspiration quotes, there's no ending to him. The koala that "they" don't want him to succeed. The koala that they don't want him to eat. The koala that they don't want him to jet ski. The koala that they don't want him to have the good life. The koala that, of course, has water with every single meal he eats with Chef Dee. The koala that celebrates success with Ciroc Apple. The koala that doesn't play himself. The koala that doesn't want you to play yourself. The koala that knows cocoa butter is key. The koala that is certainly major key. 
       All he does is win, win, win, and all he wants to do is to Hold You Down. He tells you "you smart.. you loyal... you grateful..." and he appreciates that. He wants you to ride with him through the journey of more success. He promises you that success will come soon and he knows it.

His name, of course, is DJ Koaled. Elliptical talk coming soon. We the best.

"Congratulations, you played yourself."
          -DJ Koaled 20

Friday, February 5, 2016

Chapter Three - Where My Lady Koala At?

Chapter Three – Where My Lady Koala At?

       Today, I will be telling you where my lady koala went since I'm imagining that you are all wondering how the koala-hell I have children. To answer all of your unasked questions, yes, she did exist; no, I don't think she's dead; and yes, I might be twisting this story around just a little bit. Alright, thank you all for the questions. Now that we got that out of the way, lets get started with the story.

        So I think it was a Tuesday of some sort. But not like any normal Tuesday. It was a Tuesday that was filled with anger, sadness, grief, death, wildness, parties, florescent light bulbs, and three poker chips. A Tuesday that I only had a twenty-one hour sleep instead of my normal twenty-two. Now, let me tell you this, that one hour counts for everything. It determines if my day is going to be poop or not. I need my beauty sleep, and no one is going to get in the way of that. And that night before the Tuesday that some people like to refer to it as "Monday" was pretty crazy, so I really needed that one hour. Anyway, Koality, my lady, woke me up. And oh, the fury in my eyes was brighter than a forest fire. She knows, and I mean KNOWS, never to wake me up. I was extremely upset. So what did I do you may have unasked? Well, I packed my eucalyptus, gathered the kids (they were only 2 months old at the time) and left the tree with a peace out sign formed on my fingers. I didn't need this. I didn't need any of this feces. ESPECIALLY, on a Tuesday. 

        Agh, I'm so angry now. I'm going to sleep. Peace out.

This is me yelling.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Chapter Two - Getting Koalified

Chapter Two – Getting Koalified

       Today is a new day. A day of which my eldest child, Koalitim, becomes a true koala. His ceremonial koalifiers will be taking place at the bed of the stream, where he shall be showered with eucalyptus oil. Afterward, we will nap with great glory, to then wake up for his challenge of the day. These challenges will last throughout the fifth week of the fifth month, and will begin on the fifth day. Does it make any sense? No... But who cares, we're koalas. We literally urinate chlamydia. Anyways, the first challenge is to rid your body of all your hatred. Cleanse your body of all the bad koalities. To do that, you must grind up the eucalyptus and take a eucalyptus leaf and sprinkle the grinded up green into it. You then roll up the leaf and you're done. Guess what you're doing next? That's right, you eat it like a burrito. You basically made a eucalyptus burrito. This is how you cleanse. Once the burrito is finished, the next step is to sleep the normal twenty-two hour rest and continue on with the challenges. For now, I'm too tired to continue speaking. It's already been two hours and I need to sleep again. 

       Goodnight and always remember, I love you-calyptus.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Chapter One – The Fam and Their Screw-ups

       I had awoken from my deep slumber of the twenty-two hour night. Stretching out each one of my claws and roaring out a yawn of relief, I carefully open the lids of my eyes. Rolling to my right, I see my brother on his bed-branch and my motherless children hanging together on their bed-branch, fast asleep from our home tree. My brother, Koalafur, slowly begins to slide down his branch and lands on his bum in-between the connecting branches. The sudden rumbling noise wakes up both of my children, Koalify and Koalaton, in a sporadic attack. They both jump up in fear and fall onto the branch below them, thankfully catching them. They look around and stare at Koalafur in great despise. Shaking their heads, they both roll into a ball and fall back asleep. Brother Koala is crying in pain from his own stupidity, but I just don’t give koala’s butt about him. He’s a grown koala and should be able to take care of himself.

       As I sit there in complete relaxation and without a worry at all, I cross my front paws together and close my eyes once again, falling back into deep sleep.  

These are my Broalas